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The trade off with older kids is that you lose the wonderment and awe of Christmas morning at the crack of dawn with the ability to arise at a reasonable hour.


Merry Christmas

“Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f@#king Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white @ss down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of @ssholes this side of the nuthouse” Clark Griswold


Morning Prayer

Dear Lord,

So far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, grinchy, mean, selfish, or over indulgent. I’m very thankful for that.

But, in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed. And from then on, all bets are off.


lampshade on head

3AM Person

Dear 3 AM Person,

While I am sure you thought you were being clever in acting like you couldn’t read the menu board at McDonalds &getting out of your car for a “better look”, I am certain the lady in the inside lane was mortified to see you taking a whiz on the speaker stand. It is true that you did a decent job of hiding your junk from ME, it was about 2 feet away from, and at eye level of, the passenger in her car. I could hear her laughing at you from inside my van. Way to go Hondo!

Love John


Get Used To The Hangup

OPEN LETTER TO TELEMARKETERS: Get used to the hang up. Just because you got my number off a list somewhere or paid for the lead doesn’t mean you get access to my time. For the record I don’t owe you the courtesy of anything, especially my very valuable time. You rudely inject yourself into my busy day by picking up the phone, and it is at my discretion whether or not I choose to engage (hot tip: almost always does not go in your favor.) Granted, you are just doing your job, but unless you were conscripted by the Russian Telemarketing Company, or are in a prison Phone Bank Chain Gang, you chose this line of work, so toughen up buttercup. This bulk data-mining shotgun approach to sales has never really worked, and is especially ineffective today. Granted, even a blind squirrel can find a nut, but it’s no way to run a business.

95% of the time I don’t answer long distance calls because of you, certainly never from a toll free number. It’s gotten to the point where 30% of the time I won’t even answer a local call if it looks weird on my phone.

The few of you that get in screw it up for yourselves and everyone else in the first 5 seconds. You will NEVER get through with me or anyone else by asking for the owner or person who handles XYZ (if I had an assistant that forwarded calls asking for the owner to me she would be gone by the end of the day.) Here is a free tip that will buy you about 10 seconds: learn my name & what I do, it’s on every single website or information aggregator out there. After that you are on your own. Any professional salesperson worth their salt (and I know TONS of them) does a little research and learns about their prospects. I can name you 5 off the top of my head that did some research, made their case and are now doing business with me. One was even so good that she was able to get back in after I FIRED her company in the past.

For the most part I am not interested in what you sell. If I want something I will research it, look up reviews, find the best price and go get it myself. I do not make impulse decisions on anything. And if I haven’t heard of your company, there is literally no chance I am going to do business with you.

Oh, and that thing you guys do with the computers making your call and using fake local numbers? Hung up on before I even hear your voice.

So go back to hustling little old ladies for TV Evangelists, and don’t waste your time with me, because you aren’t getting through. [insert dial tone sound here]


Belt On The Shelf

Looks like the creepy little elf is getting some competition for the attention of our youth this year.

belt on the shelf


Steve Jobs

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.” Steve Jobs